People often make choices that I do not understand. Some people choose to watch scary movies, some choose to eat spicy food, and some choose to dress up in women’s clothes and ask people to call them Carol (though it is forgivable if you are a woman, and your name is Carol). But, the life choice I deem inexcusable is vegetarianism.
The last seven days of my life were pure misery. I decided that I would go a week without eating meat and catalog the process as a human guinea pig for journalism. The notion seemed simple enough. As of 2009, 3 percent of American citizens were vegetarians, meaning they do not eat meat, fish, poultry or seafood. I figured if 6 million people could do it, why can’t I?
Thus I braced myself for seven days of mild discomfort, but I ended up cataloging the progressing deterioration of my very soul.
DAY 1: Monday, Feb. 4, 2013
Today was my first day of vegetarianism, and it honestly wasn’t that bad. I never eat breakfast, so meal No. 1 was no problem for me. Lunch was easy, too, because strangely enough Fairmont has hummus and pita bread available at lunch and it is delicious. I also worked after school, which is convenient because I work at a bakery and could eat delicious bread. Overall, I don’t think this will be that bad.
DAY 2: Tuesday, Feb. 5, 2013
I am starting to really respect vegetarians. Today posed a much bigger problem than yesterday. I was hungry all day, and the hummus and pita bread did not put much of a dent in said hunger. I also didn’t have bread to bail me out of evening hunger. I was forced to eat Campbell’s Tomato Soup for dinner and went to bed hungry. I’m regretting this decision.
DAY 3: Wednesday, Feb. 6, 2013
My diet today consisted predominantly of lettuce. I am hungry and I feel like a rabbit. I don’t like feeling like a rabbit. At this point, I would catch a rabbit, slow roast the rabbit, and eat said rabbit with a smile on my face.
DAY 4: Thursday, Feb. 7, 2013
I am beginning to see some noteworthy flaws in vegetarianism. I understand that most vegetarians take vitamins and eat a lot of natural proteins to obtain the necessary nutrients to stay healthy. But I am lazy and have no intention of doing that, even though today I was light-headed and miserable, and I blame it on a lack of protein in my diet. Additionally, I have noticed a notable increase in the amount of food one must consume to become full when the food has little to no dietary value. I have taken to exclusively eating bread, but I can’t imagine that this is healthy. VEGETARIANISM SUCKS.
DAY 5: Friday, Feb. 8, 2013
I am close to hitting rock bottom. Watching Animal Planet is making me hungry, and my sister’s love of Man vs. Food on the Travel channel has brought me near tears. I was late to the cafeteria today and missed out on my daily hummus and pita bread; I was tempted to eat a hamburger. For dinner, my family had steak, while I was reduced to eating potatoes and green beans. Now I am secretly plotting a coup of the American government. When I become the tyrannical leader, I will outlaw vegetarianism.
DAY 6: Saturday, Feb. 9, 2013
I find myself daydreaming about veal. I don’t even like veal, and the idea of killing a baby cow disturbs me, but I feel as though it is the ultimate slap in the face to vegetarians everywhere.
Logically, I see three reasons why one would choose to become a vegetarian: for their health, to lose weight and moral opposition to killing animals. The first reason is stupid because of the nutrients lost without meat. These must be supplemented into a vegetarian’s diet. It’s easier to eat meat; you will feel better and it takes less effort. Next, my vegetarian experience tells me that meat is often replaced with less healthy things in order to become full. I feel like I need to eat a lot more carbohydrates and thus I’m not doing my figure any favors. Morality is a notion I cannot dispute. If meat wasn’t so delicious, I would be more opposed to the slaughter of animals. But it is delicious. My thinking is that all primates are omnivores (eat plants and animals) and I shouldn’t mess with nature.
DAY 7: Sunday, Feb. 10, 2013
I am so close to freedom that I can taste it. In fact, Monday morning I am going to eat bacon, sausage and ham. This is the happiest I have been all week.
I have taken a journey into the world of vegetarians and emerged enlightened. I have learned to appreciate animals. They are beautiful, majestic creatures who deserve a place on this Earth, just as much as I do: as long as that place is on a plate and coated with barbecue sauce.
Furthermore, I have learned quite a bit about myself. At this point, I would eat ribs in front of the Dalai Lama. This is the last moment of my meatless torture. FAREWELL, VEGETARIANISM!