No Shave November: The most important month of the year


The months of the year are often associated with a theme, which is then celebrated throughout the month. April displays English literature through National Poetry Month, while March celebrates human health through National Nutrition Month, for example.

But these months are completely surpassed by the sheer weight and divine beauty of the subject that November is assigned. I am, of course, referring to No Shave November.

This shaggy display of the splotchy and uneven embodiment of manliness is one of the most important practices in American culture. We would not be the culturally competent, delicate and tolerant nation that we are today without great American influences like Grizzly Adams, Captain Hook, Alan from The Hangover and, of course, Ambrose Burnside.

Beards allow many opportunities of which a beardless man can only dream. For example, imagine that you wanted to dig the Panama Canal. Could you without Theodore Roosevelt’s moustache? If you wanted to propose the Theory of Evolution, would Darwin’s beard be the missing link? What if you wanted to deliver toys to billions of children around the world, only without the flowing majesty of Santa’s facial hair?

I would be devastated if I were unable to grow facial hair and would most likely be drowned with sorrow during the 30 glorious days of November.

It is my personal belief that the dividing line between greatness and glory always lies between the nose and the chin. I challenge you to think of a single bearded or mustached man who didn’t contribute only happiness to society. (With the exception of Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler, Fidel Castro, Vladimir Lenin, Genghis Khan, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Ayatollah Khomeini, Ho Chi Minh, Ra’s al Ghu, Davey Jones, Blackbeard, Scar from The Lion King, Gamal Abdel Nasser, that homeless guy who lives behind my house, and basically every other evil man in history and pop culture.)

It is a scientific fact that women find bearded men to be outlandishly more attractive than their shaven peers. This is why I believe that No Shave November should be extended to the entire year. I have been protesting this for years, marked by my flowing facial hair, which has not been shaved since 2010. As you can see by the photo that accompanies this column, I have a very easy time growing facial hair, and I’m often confused with Abraham Lincoln on the street.

The beard is a culturally misunderstood statement. Facing some adversity from those who find beards to be repulsing, brave men sport their whiskers with pride. Personally, I like to stroke my beard quizzically as I ponder things. I love being a part of the bearded community, and I cannot see a downside to eliminating facial grooming all together. I believe that a beard is a sign of greatness and success, and therefore I proudly sport my manly facial hair, which leaves no question as to my masculinity.